I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize