It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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