Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
