had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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