im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
