i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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