At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
