I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
