I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
