i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize