You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
