I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
