Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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