I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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