in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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