id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
