I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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