I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize