Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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