I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
