Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
