We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
is wine microwaveable?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
