good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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