i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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