Banned from zoo.
Again?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
