My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
