If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
