Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
