Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
