I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
