I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
