i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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