I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
