new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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