I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize