my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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