i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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