I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
