I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
