I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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