there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
