oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
