Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
