Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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