that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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