You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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