this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Panties = found
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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