i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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