I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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