we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
