i can't believe i had my finger in that
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
