i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
