My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
