my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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