Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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