He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
