i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i think my mom watched the whole time
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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