I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
