Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
