You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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