Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
