Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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