i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
