girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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