ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
