help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
