Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
