Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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