My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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