call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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