Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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