I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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